The Loss of a Child

The death of a child is possibly the most difficult loss of all. The bond between a parent and child often begins as soon as the couple knows they are pregnant. Although your child was here but a brief time, thanks to you, their contribution to humanity lives on. It lives on in the legacy of your memory. Even so, the reality is that now you are left to deal with the loss of your hopes and dreams and with the loss of your child.

How to deal with it all is a big question. As a parent, you must try to say goodbye to someone that you may have had little chance to know. You must accept that a life has ended, even though it barely began. Whether your child was a baby, toddler, or adolescent, you must work through the same emotions and not always at the same time.

Losing a child will affect couples and may alter your feelings toward each other. After the death of a child, parents often expect their reactions to be similar because they are suffering the same loss. Because each person faces the loss differently, you may find it difficult to communicate. It is important to set aside time to be alone together to talk, cry or simply hold each other. Finding a way to support each other, and respect your needs as individuals will help you through this difficult time.

In the beginning many people think they are losing their minds. Eventually, when you’ve had enough time and proper support, you will find that the pain will lessen, as you learn how to live with this terrible loss. Time is very important, as is patience. You might wonder how long it will take for your life to return to normal. You will hear people estimate two years, and it is true that some people will work through the process in that length of time. However, some people take a longer time, others a shorter time. It all depends on your needs and how you have dealt with other losses in your life.

You will need to go through the grief process. Most likely you are experiencing a mix of emotions including shock or denial, depression, anger, and guilt. It is extremely common to be preoccupied with the circumstances of your child’s death, or you may have dreams or nightmares about seeing your child. You may feel terribly guilty simply for living when your child has died. Or perhaps you feel guilty because you feel you should have prevented your child’s death.

Shock

You may initially experience shock, nature’s way of protecting you from the full force of all that you’ve lost. It allows you to continue functioning as you take care of the crucial things in your life. Some people find themselves taking care of others during this time. Friends and family may comment on how well you are doing and admire your strength.

Denial

You may experience denial by thinking, “He’s not dead. He’s visiting Grandmother,” or ”She’s somewhere else right now, but not dead”. It’s a normal thing for some people to try to continue to protect themselves. It may work for a while, but it eventually dissolves until you face the loss.

Anger

Anger is another emotion that is a very normal reaction when someone dear has died. Although society frowns on anger and doesn’t understand why it happens after a death, it’s nothing to be ashamed about. You may be angry because your child has died and you may look for someone to blame. It could be the doctors and nurses, if your child died in a hospital. A spouse, relatives, or friends who do or say the wrong things in their efforts to comfort, may also be blamed. Then, too, your religious beliefs may undergo some questioning. There are ways of directing your anger into positive things. Physical activity, such as hard work and sports, may help, as well as screaming in the shower and anything else that relieves tension and doesn’t allow anger to be turned inward or outward toward others in a harmful way. Telling your experience enough times until you’ve exhausted the need to tell it anymore or crying is a good tension breaker too.

Guilt

No one is totally free of regret over something that was in some way connected with our children. Guilt comes from parenting instincts that say we are responsible for whatever happens to our children, good or bad. We learn that we aren’t the all-powerful people we had thought. You must try to remember that you loved your child and did the best you could. Excessive guilt never changed anything.

Common Complaints

Some common complaints you may experience include:

• Loss of concentration
• Excessive fatigue
• Inability to sleep or sleeping too much
• Loss of appetite or overeating
• Knot or emptiness in pit of stomach
• Headaches
• Stomach aches
• Chest pains or feeling like you cant catch your breath
• Digestive disorders (indigestion, nausea, diarrhea)
• Feeling weak or faint
• Slow speech or movement

Good nutrition, exercise, time and patience can help to alleviate many of these conditions.

Your Other Children

Your other children will experience the loss of their sibling in different ways depending on their age, maturity, and ability to understand. Even small children sense the profound grief of parents and other family members. Answering questions, talking about the death, and understanding how your child/ren grieve is important to their grief process. The following resources may be a good place to start in understanding the ways in which siblings understand death and experience grief:

• Experiencing the Death of a Sibling as a Child
• Experiencing the Death of a Sibling as an Adolescent
• Experiencing the Death of a Sibling as a College Student
• Loss of an Adult Sibling

Grandparents

Grandparents find themselves in the unique position of mourning the loss of a beloved grandchild while trying to figure out how best to support their children. One support group dedicated to helping grandparents with the stress and grief after losing a grandchild is Alliance of Grandparents, a Support in Tragedy (AGAST).

The Future

Even when you think that you are learning to live with the loss of your child, dates of special family-oriented events, birthdays, holidays, death dates, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, school beginnings and endings may cause you additional pain and grief. It is a normal response to experience the recurrence of grief related feelings with the loss of a child. Such a loss is ongoing and significant. A trigger event might be something that is completely unexpected: hearing a child’s laughter. When chronic loss is triggered, getting support is very important.

As you have probably already observed, the death of a child is a very uncomfortable subject for most people. It is unsettling when death is so out-of-order. It is also very frightening to provide empathy. After all, who would want to imagine the death of their own child? Friends and family often don’t know what to say. Therefore, looking to those who have had the same experience may be useful and comforting.

Finding Support

• Advocacy groups, in which parents have lost a child, are a good source of support (See Helpful Resources). People there will have experience and can show you how to live with the temporary “insanity” in as sane a way as possible.
• Family, friends, and co-workers may want to support you in physical and emotional ways. Drawing support from others is important to the healing process.
• Your doctors and nurses can often direct you to services, support groups, and programs that may be beneficial to you and your family.

It is comforting to know that parents can again find meaning and purpose in life after the death of a child.